What happens when you think you find it, and they are deceiving you. Andre tells of one of his experiences as of late

Apparently sleeping at night is not what I do best. I let my emotions get the best of me and I never let that happen. I’m the type of person, if you’re not interested your loss and I am onto the next. I never get emotionally attached to someone who I am not in a relationship with. Once I’m open to you I’m all in. But this time it was totally different and I’m not sure why and it really has messed me up. I go back and forth whether I can be just friends and a big part of me rather have you as a friend than nothing at all. Sometimes the best relationships start out as friends and develop from their and that I am fine with. Ideally that is what I would prefer because I enjoy really getting to know him first. It’s the fact that all you want to ever be is friends is the thing I struggle with. I feel like the decision is made for me and I have no say in this decision. I struggle with the fact of my jealousy that someone else will get to experience the best part of you and that will never be me. Jealousy is not an emotion I know well as its very rare I experience it and I think partly is the reason why I don’t know how to handle it. I feel bad that you are constantly trying to spare my feelings all the time and I don’t make it easy for you. I know I am selfish in the fact that you let me go back and forth by telling you one day I can be friends and the next I come back with I can’t. A very small part of me thinks that this is a game to you and you enjoy the fact that I have these feelings for you and relish in the fact you don’t share the same for me. But after I really think about it I soon realize that it’s not. You are just someone who understand where I am coming from and is extremely patient. Normally if I feel like I am going to get hurt in the end I would not talk to you anymore and forget about you without any care in the world. I am great at just pushing people away and protect myself and the other person sometimes doesn’t even know it. I never share my feeling with anyone but this time I was compelled to do so hoping that for once this would make a difference. I would be fair and be completely honest, so the other person knows what they are up against. At the end of the day, I have no regrets in doing so. The only regret is I feel it changed our friendship because now you must stop and think about what you are going to say instead of it being natural in hopes my feelings are not getting hurt. My worry is for when the time comes (if it already didn’t happen) when you meet someone. I know my heart will break but be happy for you at the same time. I hope that as time goes on, my feelings for you diminish so I can be as good of a friend to you as you have been to me.


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